We've Got Problems
by Miss Shakespeare
Summary: Carlisle is tired of all the bickering. He sends everyone to therapy. Is jasper having an emotional meltdown? Will Edward kill Rosalie. Will Bella? Does Alice have a secret? Rated teen 'cause I'm paaranoid. Normal parings. Come on, just click the button!
1. Chapter 1

We've Got Problems

Bella's point of view:

I sat on the couch next to Edward, well on him was more like it. He held me almost in his lap. We were discussing the wedding despite my unwillingness. He was trying to get me to tell him what the dress looked like. I continued to refuse him. He would see it when the time came.

It would have been nice if we were alone. No all the Cullens were having a loud fit over something or other. Alice was trying to get her credit cards from were she thought Rosalie had hid them. What she didn't no was Jasper took them and was getting something from Newton's Outfitters. No one dared tell her because then there might be one less Cullen.

Emmett was trying to help Esme paint the kitchen, or so she thought. He was just trying to smuggle out some paint for his latest prank. Rosalie was trying to find the wrench. The jeep started to leak oil and she was fixing. Carlisle was trying to write a paper for hospital in his office. The door opened and Jasper came quietly through, so that Alice wouldn't hear him.

Before he could run of though, Carlisle came in. "Jasper please sit down, there is something that we all need to discuss." Jasper sat and Alice appeared at his side. She glared at him. "Jazz how could you? Do my needs matter to you at all?' Carlisle sighed and Alice immediately quieted down,

"I've been trying to finish this paper for three weeks and all you do is bicker. You all have problems with each other; I think there is way to fix that though." Alice and Edward both groaned. "Carlisle, I don't think therapy will help us, especially with a human therapist. What are we going to do, tell him we are vampires?" Edward said. "No Edward, but tell him as much as you can without giving that away."

Maybe this could work. "I think it's a good idea I said. Maybe we could try it and then decide." I knew if I went Edward would come along. But he whispered in my ear, "This won't turn out well love." I ignored him and looked around the room. Rosalie was glaring at me, Emmett was almost laughing, Jasper was quiet and Alice pouted. Esme was fine with what Carlisle thought would work.

The next day

Edward drove the Volvo to the therapist's office. We were alone and it was finally quiet. I knew that Edward would have drove faster if I let him, but Jasper and Emmett were betting on how long it would take to get here and wanted to see who would win. When we got there I saw Emmett give Jasper a twenty dollar bill.

We all went in the office. It was nicely furbished. Roses were placed on the secretary's desk. The walls and ceiling were pale blue. There was a large bulletin with lists of patients and their appointment times. I also had a phone number for each on. The doctor came out of the door on the right.

Edward leaned in next to my ear. "His name is Dr. Gilmore. He has been a therapist for five years and is already making a list of what could be wrong with us." I sighed. Maybe this was a bad idea. Carlisle introduced us and Dr. Gilmore asked us to sit. "I'd like to talk with you all together. Who do think should go first?"

Rosalie coughed and it sounded a lot like "Edward". Dr. Gilmore looked at her. "I see you think that your brother should go first. Why?" Rosalie smiled coldly. "Edward tried to commit suicide. Isn't that true Edward?" I winced. I hated talking about that. I knew he did too, but oddly enough he stayed perfectly composed. H e almost seemed to smile. "If you remember correctly Rosalie, you were the one who convinced me to do it." She scowled. Dr. Gilmore looked shocked. He tried only to look at his clipboard and wrote ferociously.

There was silence for a minute before Dr. Gilmore spoke up, "Is it true you tried to commit suicide Edward?" She looked up from her clipboard for the first time. He nodded and I felt tears welling up in my eyes. "But only because Rosalie called me and said that Bella had died." He pulled me closer. He whispered, "Its okay," In my ear.

Dr. Gilmore looked to Rosalie once more. "Why did you tell him Bella died Rosalie?" she asked in shock. Rosalie gained back her confidence, "Alice told me she saw- I mean that some one told her Bella jumped off a cliff." I frowned. "I told you, cliff diving is a sport." I didn't expect them to believe me, I didn't even believe me. Edward sighed.

"It really is my fault, I shouldn't have left you. It's just when Jasper-." I cut him off. "I forgave Jasper, it wasn't his fault he almost killed me." I looked at Jasper to show I meant it. The Doctor looked terrified of us all. This was going to be the longest day ever. Carlisle cleared his throat.

Author's note:

Sorry to leave you hanging. Did you like it?


	2. AN

**So I'm sorry I have not updated but I've been really busy. I'm working on an update now, but it might not be done until tomorrow. Check page and read my other stories. Also read Coco96's story called Lost in Twilight. She borrowed the idea from me, and the story is really coming along. Also read TheVampireWithGoldenEyes' story Someday.**


	3. Chapter 2

**DIscLAimER: I don't own Twilight. I've got plenty of time though**

**We've got problems **

**Chapter 2: Gambling **

**EPOV**

"It really is my fault, I shouldn't have left you. It's just when Jas", Bella cut me off. "I forgave Jasper. It's not his fault he almost killed me!" She gave him a meaningful look to show him as well as me that she forgave him. The Doctor looked at us wide eyed. Carlisle cleared his throat. 'Um, doctor?" She came out of shock. "Yes Carlisle, what is it." She was handling this well on the outside. On the inside she was having a mental breakdown. _Oh no! I shouldn't have agreed to this. I thought we would be talking about stuff like drugs and alcohol! These people could be murderers! _"Well I was thinking we should start with simpler things before we talk about what happened last September." _Thank goodness! _"Very well Carlisle. Any ideas kids?"

**EmPOV**

This was getting good! Why couldn't we talk about Jasper the murderer?! Oh well, anything about us will be good. The woman looks scared out of her wits! I'll have to make a bet with Jasper on how long she can last. Edward raised his hand politely like he was in school. "I have a very good topic doctor. Emmett's gambling with Jasper.**" **_Curse you! _I thought towards Edward. He just smiled.

**JPOV **

Oh no! Why did Edward have to bring that up! _She already thinks I'm a murderer, which I am. Why did you have to bring that up?_ The ends of Edwards's mouth twitched up in a smile. A pile of emotions came from around the small room. Shock from the doctor, anger from Emmett, and amusement from everyone else. The Doctor spoke, "You two have a gambling obsession?"

**BPOV **

I changed my mind. This was a _very_ good idea. "Yes, I believe they do," I said, "usually it is about my clumsiness" Emmett looked at me frowning. "Traitor!" he hissed. The doctor looked at him scolding, "Don't blame Bella for your problems. You put them on yourself. She isn't trying to be mean, she is trying to help." "No, I'm just trying to be mean." I said too quietly for the doctor to hear.

The doctor turned to Emmett and Jasper. "How many times a day do you gamble?" Emmett shrugged, "Are record is thirty, usually it depends on how often Bella is around, but no less than ten." Jasper shook his head and placed it in his hands. The doctor was surprised. "So Doc. now that I'm ready to spill my guts, can I lay on the couch?" We all groaned. "No Em," Rosalie told her husband, "the couch is for mental cases." Emmett looked disappointed. Yup, one long day was ahead of us.

**I'm not sure if anyone actually reads these, but I'll write them anyway. Don't go hard on me, it's my first comedy. I know, you want to kill me because it is sooooooooo short. I figured you would want it out sooner than longer, 24 hours sooner. Oh, and before you **_**do**_** kill me, think of it this way. I don't think Heaven has a computer, neither does Hell so I've been told. Plus, I'm looking for a beta. My friend Alice might want to do it, but PM me anyway. I give you authority to kill me if I don't have a nice long update for all my fanfics by Chrismass. I have more than on going at the same time. Like five going at the same time. REVIEWING MAKES THE STORY LONGER!**


	4. Chapter 3

We've got Problems chapter 3

Jpov

I could feel the emotions radiating off me. Plus add the anger I felt towards Emmett. He was making this difficult. Now he was acting like a retard. Alice was by me rubbing my arm and trying to calm me. Finally I spoke before Emmett caused any more need for damage control.

"Yes doctor, we gamble and bet a lot, but just for fun. Since we are family it isn't like we're really losing money though. I believe I could easily stop. Emmett on the other hand is a prankster and gambler by heart, I'm not sure you could stop him." The doctor looked at Emmett for a few minutes, a plan obviously forming in her head.

"Emmett, I'll make you a bet," I didn't have to be Alice or Edward to see where this was going; "I'll bet you can't go without making or accepting a bet for 48 hours." Emmett grinned, "You're on! Wait, without what? (!)" That's right Emmett! I could feel anger coming from his every pore.

Now that that is over, I can get revenge in Rosalie for making me go all emo that one time. "Since we are done with Emmett, for now at least, there are more issues to deal with. I believe Rosalie has an obsession with herself. She will sit in front of the mirror for hours giving herself compliments!"

Before the doctor had said a word on the subject Rosalie shouted, "Well at least I'm not a stalker! Edward follows Bella around and watches her sleep!" Bella glared, "Hello, we are engaged. Are we supposed to ignore each other? At least I don't buy a mall a day and dress people against their will!" Alice looked shocked, "But Bella, you always look great when I'm done! Plus I buy _two_ malls a day! Any way, I know for a fact that Emmett is a cross-dresser!"

Emmett stood up, "Hey that's because you make me wear the dammed stuff. At least I'm not emo! Jasper is like so totally emo!" "WHAT? (!) Are you kidding me? I don't think you would ever want me to be a preppy person. You'd all feel it! Anyway, I swear if it was possible, Edward would have cried over a stupid chick flick!" Edward rose, "Alice is friends with Hobos!"

Esme and Carlisle's point of view

Welcome to the torture chamber that is my life

**A/N **

**I updated before the end of the month! I'm just as surprised as you. I'm pleased at the response I got from my reviewers. Please check out my poll. Tell me if you loved or hated that chapter. Sorry it was short again. Updates are coming for my other stories. Now that it is the weekend I will be pulling all nighters for my readers. REVIEW **


	5. Chapter 5

We've got problems

Alice's point of view

Oops, I shouldn't have let that spill, now everyone is giving me daggers. I needed some good dirt on someone and fast! Maybe I could, no. Or, never mind. I know, "Bella likes dogs!" "What is wrong with dogs?" Oh no. The pack had just walked in. My jaw dropped open.

Bella's point of view

"Jacob?" he looked at me "Yup, in the flesh. We heard that you guys were spilling about your secrets, and we figured we would get blackmail on you." Edward growled. Maybe I could use it against him. "Jacob, since you must have so many secrets to share, why don't you stay and have therapy with us?" Edward smiled, "What a fantastic idea love!"

A/N this is a filler, none of my chapters are _that _short.


	6. Chapter 6

We've got problems

Jacob's point of view

"Jacob?" Bella asked me. I turned to her, "Yup, in the flesh! We heard you guys were spilling you secrets, and we needed some blackmail." Bella's bloodsucker growled. _You like that huh? _I directed at him. Then Bella got that evil grin that she only used when she was planning something. "Jacob, since you have so many secrets to share, why don't you stay?" Oh no! Embry, Quil and Seth shifted uneasily behind me. "What a fantastic idea love," the bloodsucker said. "Um, bye man," That would be Seth. I reached out and grabbed his arm before he could escape. "If I'm doing this, you're staying too." While I said that, I missed Embry and Quil leaving. Well now it was just us facing the bloodsuckers. Joy. Not.

"So Fido," the blonde started talking, "when did you learn you loved Bella?" I was probably as red as Bella when she said that. The bloodsucker growled again and Bella looked like she would kill Rosalie if she could. Well, I probably could. Most likely I would if the bloodsucker didn't get to her first. The actual Dr. who had been cowering under her desk was starting to emerge. Unfortunately for her, that was when all Hell broke lose.

A/N filler. I had a long update, but my power went out before I could save it.


	7. Chapter 7

A/N Foshizzle Vampizzle *Awkward silence* Riiiiiight Presenting, the new chapter!

Dr. Gilmore's (who has been declared a girl) point of view

SAVE ME! These psychos are well, psychos! More and more keep coming! I was not going to stand for this. Blonde started asking questions to tall, tan, and creepy guy. Wait, I was the doctor here! I made a move to escape from my shelter under the desk. Bad mistake. Three of them pounced on Blonde. and Esme, the only calm ones, tried to peel them off, but it was no good. The whole group of then was wrestling each other except Bella who looked how I felt only add angry. No one looked happy. They made their way over to me.

Before I new it they were on top of me. I heard a crack; I was guessing it was one of my bones. Then everything went black.

A few hours latter

My mind told me I was awake, but my body didn't cooperate. My eyelids would not open and my arms felt like lead. I heard talking from somewhere and decided to listen. I might remember where I was when I heard. "Carlisle, what do we tell her? That we randomly had a wrestling match and accidentally broke her leg?" There was a pause before Carlisle spoke and in that time, I remembered what happened. The Cullens, that's what happened. As soon as I properly woke up, I was going to quit. I think to top it off, I would move to Maine, or somewhere else across the country. I slowly drifted back into unconsciousness and dreamt of never having to see the Cullens again. Oh happy days.


	8. Chapter 8: the end

Epilogue

Carlisle's point of view

On my way down the drive way into the house I checked the mail. I did every day of course, but nobody ever wrote. If a letter was from work just gave it to me in person, we had never been close to humans except Bella who practically lived with us. Any of our kind could just run here. So, I was surprised to find a letter in the box. The return address was for the office where we went for the '_therapy'. _I tensed this couldn't be good.

I ran the rest of the length of the drive way and when I came through the door I called for everyone to come down. "What's wrong?" Esme asked me. "Well, nothing yet, I got a letter from the office where Dr. Gilmore. Well actually, it may nor be Dr. Gilmore anymore. Edward says that she thought about changing her name. I just hope we didn't get a restraining order."

Edward chuckled. I pealed the letter open without making a mark. I read it to myself and then out loud to the family. "To the family of Dr. Carlisle Cullen; We are sorry to inform you that we can not continue with your therapy sessions. With the retiring of Dr. Gilmore we have had the need to reschedule many patients. Unfortunately we could find no one suitable for your needs. We are very sorry for the inconvenience and hope that you take care. – Bill Smitten.

When I read Bill's name, every one was in hysterics. "Wonder if he has a girl friend!" Emmett joked. Even Esme cracked a smile. Well, we were back where we started, but I would put no human through that torture again.

THE END … OR IS IT?

YES, IT IS.


End file.
